A number of people claim to be part cat; a smaller number just obviously are. The former shows a proper sort of respectful adoration, in its way. However, our feline overlords have made it clear we can’t just go around making these claims for ourselves without some input from above.
Speaking of those who sit above, here are Toes and Zap of East Vancouver. Admire and obey!
Henceforth those of us who want to claim kinship with catkind must be approved. The approval process will be entirely arbitrary and possibly whim-driven, but here are a few things that may be taken into consideration when issuing licenses:
How many hours a day does the candidate spend napping?
How many smaller creatures have they killed this week, and who did they give them to?
Nobody expects a human to to lick their own chest hair or other, you know, regions, but overall how well groomed is the candidate?
On an average day if ten people ask the candidate to do things, how many of those things do they opt to do?
How would you describe their singing style: a) timid; b) tuneful; c) unabashed; d) Diva
What happens if you dangle a ribbon just beyond the candidate’s reach at, say, a staff meeting or awards ceremony? Do they just pretend it’s not happening, thereby showing concern for primate social considerations? (Hint: if so? Not a cat.)
Has this individual ever thrown up on the bed, moved over, and gone back to sleep?
As always, you are invited to submit other possible criteria for assessment, along with your arguments for specific individuals. The global feline conspiracy may read, shred, or snooze on these as it pleases.
Lest you think the feline overlords will never cut us any slack, the following human artifacts and creations have been deemed “not in need of change” by Aristotle, Duke of The People’s Republic of Austin.
As an aside, the use of by the human jazz community of phrases like ‘hep cat’ and ‘cool cat’ is under investigation. The feline overlords may or may not read your submissions on this issue, but you should feel obliged to provide it all the same.
After some consideration, catkind has determined that houses are, basically, okay structures. It’s apparent that lowering the ceilings and obliging humanity to crawl around, for example, would just make it harder for us to serve the needs of our cats in a prompt and cheerful manner. Besides, cats dislike construction noise. And change. So we’re off the hook there.
However, certain standard features of your basic house or apartment will henceforth be regarded as unacceptable barriers to unrestricted feline access to the everything.
So: all doors–front, back, and interior–to be equipped with cat doors or removed entirely. Closet and cupboard doors can remain as is if they’re fun to open and make hilarious thumpy noises in the wee hours.
Every home is to contain at least two of: goldfish tank with goldfish, rodent cage with gerbils, mice, rats or other vermin, bunny hutch with very small bunny, birdcage with birds, reptile tank with small bouncy lizards.
Wild bird feeders are to be installed in every yard, within sight of every window, and to be placed at a height that does not exceed the average feline pounce from the ground or an approved perch.
There should be kibble stations in every room.
Toilets are to be kept, at all times, in a state fit for use as drinking fountains.
All claw-resistant furniture to be replaced. Furnishings that do not contrast with dominant color of cat hair, and thereby accumulate the glory of the household’s primary occupants, are to be replaced. Wall art depicting lesser beings, unless such beings are in a position of respectful supplication to a cat, are to be replaced.
Humans may possess or use a vacuum unless it is either silent or entertaining. Up with Roomba!
Anyone found to possess an object whose obvious purpose is to affect or control feline behavior (squirtgun or spray bottle-type squirty objects, for example) may be subjected to serious clawing or worse. Remember: Ask not whether you can control your cat, for this is entirely preposterous.
Here’s a thing: in the books I’m working on right now, the ones set on Stormwrack where “Among the
Silvering Herd” takes place, catkind has been cursed. Cats live asea, on ships, and if they leave the protection of a ship, they. . . well, they simply keel.
This is an ecosystem management thing: cats can be incredibly destructive, because they’re such fantastically amazing hunters, and microclimates that lack them tend to evolve wildlife with no strategies for avoiding them. To which catkind says: So? Easy pickings for us, right?
Anyway, my books have this curse and I’ve been put on notice that I owe our feline overlords. So I’m making the blog available for the occasional royal proclamation.
First, a photo of Rumble, so we can all fall into that “Awww, so cute, so cute, I want to obey the fuzzy higher being!” frame of mind that is our proper state.
You there? Good!
This first one’s a media/propaganda thingie. Our feline overlords have wrapped their
adorable fuzzy heads around CGI (Connie Willis’s Remake helped) and have decreed
that the following changes will be put into effect with regard to the film classic The Wizard of Oz as soon as possible.
First, Dorothy will henceforth be a cat person with a cat companion. (Reply in comments, with head shots and reasons why, if your cat wishes to be considered for the role. Know, however, that Maru is a heavy contender.)
Toto is obviously a canine name, so the cat will be renamed Wow! (short for “Wow, you are so incredible, my feline overlord; I exist in a perpetual state of awe at your all-encompassing greatness!”) This way, instead of being obliged to watch Judy Garland scamper through the film bleating “Toto, Toto!” she can more appropriately see her cat
and go “Wow!”
All bad witches in the film are to be sparrow-sized. They will, furthermore, be dispatched by Wow. Glinda may escape this fate if she brings magic tuna and stays above reasonable pouncing height.
Cowardly what? You insubordinate monkey bastards! Cowardly Coyote from now on, thank you very much.
Scarecrow is, henceforth to be stuffed with catnip, and the Woodcutter’s ax will be replaced with a dangly toy. Because otherwise why are they in the thing?
The yellow brick road is to be lined with kibble and overstuffed chairs, and a strict napping protocol is to be observed on the journey.
Finally, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz song is to be retooled to reflect Wow’s central presence in the narrative arc. Feel free to submit possible lyrics; it may earn you points with catkind, though of course you’ll have to keep track of them yourself.
Please note that answers to your comments will be coming from Rumble and Minnow.