Catworld Revision Project #2 – Building Code Changes

This is another set of decrees from our feline overlords. I’ve explained why, in the essay about The Wizard of Oz. But first, a picture of Xerxes.

Xerxes, emperor of the Palace of Steffof.

Ahhh. You want to obey, don’t you?

After some consideration, catkind has determined that houses are, basically, okay structures. It’s apparent that lowering the ceilings and obliging humanity to crawl around, for example, would just make it harder for us to serve the needs of our cats in a prompt and cheerful manner. Besides, cats dislike construction noise. And change. So we’re off the hook there.

However, certain standard features of your basic house or apartment will henceforth be regarded as unacceptable barriers to unrestricted feline access to the everything.

So: all doors–front, back, and interior–to be equipped with cat doors or removed entirely. Closet and cupboard doors can remain as is if they’re fun to open and make hilarious thumpy noises in the wee hours.

Every home is to contain at least two of: goldfish tank with goldfish, rodent cage with gerbils, mice, rats or other vermin, bunny hutch with very small bunny, birdcage with birds, reptile tank with small bouncy lizards.

Wild bird feeders are to be installed in every yard, within sight of every window, and to be placed at a height that does not exceed the average feline pounce from the ground or an approved perch.

There should be kibble stations in every room.

Toilets are to be kept, at all times, in a state fit for use as drinking fountains.

All claw-resistant furniture to be replaced. Furnishings that do not contrast with dominant color of cat hair, and thereby accumulate the glory of the household’s primary occupants, are to be replaced. Wall art depicting lesser beings, unless such beings are in a position of respectful supplication to a cat, are to be replaced.

Humans may possess or use a vacuum unless it is either silent or entertaining. Up with Roomba!

Anyone found to possess an object whose obvious purpose is to affect or control feline behavior (squirtgun or spray bottle-type squirty objects, for example) may be subjected to serious clawing or worse. Remember: Ask not whether you can control your cat, for this is entirely preposterous.

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About Alyx Dellamonica

After twenty-two years in Vancouver, B.C., I've recently moved to Toronto Ontario, where I make my living writing science fiction and fantasy; I also review books and teach writing online at UCLA. I'm a legally married lesbian, a coffee snob, and I wake up at an appallingly early hour.

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