Author Archives: Alyx Dellamonica

About Alyx Dellamonica

Alyx Dellamonica lives in Toronto, Ontario, with their wife, author Kelly Robson. They write fiction, poetry, and sometimes plays, both as A.M. Dellamonica and L.X. Beckett. A long-time creative writing teacher and coach, they now work at the UofT writing science articles and other content for the Department of Chemistry. They identify as queer, nonbinary, autistic, Nerdfighter, and BTS Army.

Catworld Revision Project #2 – Building Code Changes

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This is another set of decrees from our feline overlords. I’ve explained why, in the essay about The Wizard of Oz. But first, a picture of Xerxes.

Xerxes, emperor of the Palace of Steffof.

Ahhh. You want to obey, don’t you?

After some consideration, catkind has determined that houses are, basically, okay structures. It’s apparent that lowering the ceilings and obliging humanity to crawl around, for example, would just make it harder for us to serve the needs of our cats in a prompt and cheerful manner. Besides, cats dislike construction noise. And change. So we’re off the hook there.

However, certain standard features of your basic house or apartment will henceforth be regarded as unacceptable barriers to unrestricted feline access to the everything.

So: all doors–front, back, and interior–to be equipped with cat doors or removed entirely. Closet and cupboard doors can remain as is if they’re fun to open and make hilarious thumpy noises in the wee hours.

Every home is to contain at least two of: goldfish tank with goldfish, rodent cage with gerbils, mice, rats or other vermin, bunny hutch with very small bunny, birdcage with birds, reptile tank with small bouncy lizards.

Wild bird feeders are to be installed in every yard, within sight of every window, and to be placed at a height that does not exceed the average feline pounce from the ground or an approved perch.

There should be kibble stations in every room.

Toilets are to be kept, at all times, in a state fit for use as drinking fountains.

All claw-resistant furniture to be replaced. Furnishings that do not contrast with dominant color of cat hair, and thereby accumulate the glory of the household’s primary occupants, are to be replaced. Wall art depicting lesser beings, unless such beings are in a position of respectful supplication to a cat, are to be replaced.

Humans may possess or use a vacuum unless it is either silent or entertaining. Up with Roomba!

Anyone found to possess an object whose obvious purpose is to affect or control feline behavior (squirtgun or spray bottle-type squirty objects, for example) may be subjected to serious clawing or worse. Remember: Ask not whether you can control your cat, for this is entirely preposterous.

Dracula hits the #Buffyrewatch, plus bonus links!

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That’s right–I’ve reached S5 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Here’s my essay on the best Riley episode ever.

In other news, I am building a not-safe-for-work Grammar Cop board on Pinterest. I’m hoping this will use up the energy I spend thinking, “Its, not it’s!”

Finally, author Lynette Aspey has written a lovely essay about my Books of Chantment, Indigo Springs and Blue Magic, as well as the tie-in novelette “Wild Things.”

Found raptors and Writing the Fantastic

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My year is off to a good start, photographically speaking–I went out on the first of January and look what I shot!

Birds 2013

I also wanted to let you all know that my upcoming course at the UCLA Extension Writers’ Program, “Writing the Fantastic” (WTF, as I like to call it) has filled. There is a waiting list and you can get on it here.

Reading in 2012 – the whole shebang (#amreading)

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Here’s all the books and many of the short stories I read in 2012

1. The Swerve: How the World Became Modern, by Stephen Greenblatt
2. Among Others, by Jo Walton
3. Atlantic: Great Sea Battles, Heroic Discoveries, Titanic Storms, and a Vast Ocean of a Million Stories, by Simon Winchester
4. Stone Spring by Stephen Baxter
5. Kat, Incorrigible (Unladylike Adventures of Kat Stephenson), by Stephanie Burgis
6. Remote, by Donn Cortez
7.The Pattern Scars by Caitlin Sweet
8. one awesome draft novel by a dear friend
9. Property of a Lady, by Sarah Rayne
10. Hark a Vagrant by Kate Beaton
11. Black Blade Blues, by J.A. Pitt
12. Redshirts, by John Scalzi
13. Broken Harbour, by Tana French
14. Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn
15. Are you My Mother? By Alison Bechdel
16. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
17. Catching Fire, by Suzanne Collins
18. Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collins
19. On Conan Doyle or The Whole Art of Storytelling, by Michael Dirda
20. Falling Angel, by William Hjortsberg
21. Between two Fires, by Christopher Buehlman
22. Black Diamonds; The Rise and Fall of an English Dynasty, by Catherine Bailey
23. The Warlock’s Curse, by M.K. Hobson
24. Little Star, by John Ajvide Lindqvist
25. Gone Girl, by Gillian Flynn
26. The Keeper of Lost Causes, by Jussi Adler-Olsen
27. The Sin Eater, by Sarah Rayne
28. How to Archer, by Sterling Archer

Short Stories (there were others; I’m just getting into this habit).
“Men Who Would Drown,” by Elizabeth Fama
“Six Months, Three Days,” by Charlie Jane Anders
“Nell,” by Karen Hesse (http://www.tor.com/stories/2012/09/nell)
“How to Make a Triffid” by Kelly Lagor (http://www.tor.com/stories/2012/11/how-to-make-a-triffid)
“Your Final Apocalypse,” Sandra McDonald, Clarksworld
“A Scandal in Bohemia,” Arthur Conan Doyle

Rereads
Faithful Place, by Tana French
Into Thin Air, by Jon Krakauer
Broken Harbour, by Tana French

Catworld Revision Project #1 – The Wizard of Oz

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Here’s a thing: in the books I’m working on right now, the ones set on Stormwrack where “Among the
Silvering Herd” takes place, catkind has been cursed. Cats live asea, on ships, and if they leave the protection of a ship, they. . . well, they simply keel.

This is an ecosystem management thing: cats can be incredibly destructive, because they’re such fantastically amazing hunters, and microclimates that lack them tend to evolve wildlife with no strategies for avoiding them. To which catkind says: So? Easy pickings for us, right?

Anyway, my books have this curse and I’ve been put on notice that I owe our feline overlords. So I’m making the blog available for the occasional royal proclamation.

First, a photo of Rumble, so we can all fall into that “Awww, so cute, so cute, I want to obey the fuzzy higher being!” frame of mind that is our proper state.

Cats07

You there? Good!

This first one’s a media/propaganda thingie. Our feline overlords have wrapped their
adorable fuzzy heads around CGI (Connie Willis’s Remake helped) and have decreed
that the following changes will be put into effect with regard to the film classic The Wizard of Oz as soon as possible.

First, Dorothy will henceforth be a cat person with a cat companion. (Reply in comments, with head shots and reasons why, if your cat wishes to be considered for the role. Know, however, that Maru is a heavy contender.)

Other changes:

Toto is obviously a canine name, so the cat will be renamed Wow! (short for “Wow, you are so incredible, my feline overlord; I exist in a perpetual state of awe at your all-encompassing greatness!”) This way, instead of being obliged to watch Judy Garland scamper through the film bleating “Toto, Toto!” she can more appropriately see her cat
and go “Wow!”

All bad witches in the film are to be sparrow-sized. They will, furthermore, be dispatched by Wow. Glinda may escape this fate if she brings magic tuna and stays above reasonable pouncing height.

Cowardly what? You insubordinate monkey bastards! Cowardly Coyote from now on, thank you very much.

Scarecrow is, henceforth to be stuffed with catnip, and the Woodcutter’s ax will be replaced with a dangly toy. Because otherwise why are they in the thing?

The yellow brick road is to be lined with kibble and overstuffed chairs, and a strict napping protocol is to be observed on the journey.

Finally, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz song is to be retooled to reflect Wow’s central presence in the narrative arc. Feel free to submit possible lyrics; it may earn you points with catkind, though of course you’ll have to keep track of them yourself.

Please note that answers to your comments will be coming from Rumble and Minnow.