Catworld Revision Project #8 – Feliocentric Units of Measurement

Okay Canada, the feline overlords know you freaked out when you half-assed went metric back in the Seventies. However, it’s time you and the world took on standardized units of measurement.

The Cat of Ironhorse Ranch cares deeply about this:

Here are the units:

Distance is henceforth to be measured in: claws, paws, tails, short pounces, long springs, and unacceptables.

(Any distance sufficiently far as to require transport in a car = 1 unacceptable.)

Volume – Crumbs, kibbles, mouthfuls, gulps, hairballs, dust bunnies, kittens, cats, unreasonably large.

Time – Yowls. As catkind lives in the present, one unit of temporal measurement should do. One yowl is the unit of time that should pass between a cat’s making its wishes known and having them executed by the nearest available ape. (All other measurements are irrelevant.)

Also on the subject of time: nap-interrupting clocks that scare the crap out of us by periodically going “BONG” are totally banned. What is wrong with you apes that you think this is okay?

The above examples are not meant to cover everything, but should give you a decent idea of what’s required here. Strike a committee, work out the other measurements, and get it done. We make the proclamations. Logistics are, naturally, your problem.

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About Alyx Dellamonica

After twenty-two years in Vancouver, B.C., I've recently moved to Toronto Ontario, where I make my living writing science fiction and fantasy; I also review books and teach writing online at UCLA. I'm a legally married lesbian, a coffee snob, and I wake up at an appallingly early hour.

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